The One-Up Disease

Recently I’ve been learning about something called one-upmanship. It has a bona fide dictionary definition: “the technique or practice of gaining a feeling of superiority over another person.” I’m sad to say that a lot of people actually view one-upmanship as an art, a technique they can add to their life skills list on their resume. You’ve probably experienced a conversation at some point in your life with someone who practices one-upmanship. It might have looked something like this…

Click on image to view the original.

The cartoon is funny and pretty realistic, in my opinion, of the condition of one-upmanship. Battling for advantage in a conversation like two macaws fighting for their colors to be loudest. It sounds quite funny when you read through this conversation of two bickering kings, sounding much like two young girls squabbling over whose Barbie is better. But, when it comes down to it, it is a very serious thing. It’s a very serious spiritual matter of pride. And, ladies, we need to pay attention.

One-upmanship is the condition where we as women secretly (or not so secretly) conspire to one-up another woman’s accomplishment. I say secretly because pride typically likes to remain hidden in our thoughts and hearts. But, as many of us have probably experienced, pride also likes to dance upon the blade of a dangerous weapon we all have—the tongue. For me personally my pride tends to be internally spoken—not externally, from the tongue. This almost seems more difficult and potentially dangerous to me because it doesn’t allow opportunities to be challenged by listening Christian sisters, hearing my prideful thoughts spoken aloud. However, pride is pride and it’s a dangerous trap in our spiritual lives.

As women, or just human beings in general, we desire recognition, love, adoration, and to be treated with high regard. We want other people to recognize our worth and our talents. Are these things all bad? Not necessarily. But, when we start to compare our work to that of others, we ought to be watchful lest a cunning thing called jealousy walks into our hearts.

I like to think of jealousy as the cohort of pride. Jealousy is by nature selfish. We like to feel important, and jealousy is the process of questioning and confirming our own self-importance. Likewise, pride tells us that we are more important, that we are the most important. The one-upper condition most distastefully combines both self-centered, sinful tendencies. It causes us to look at another person’s work (whatever it might be), compare it to our personal superior ability to do that same work, and desire the same attention the other person is getting. One-uppers want the satisfaction of the best finished product.

For me, I’ve seen my one-upper mentality come through with baking. Yes, baking. As silly as it might sound, it's a pride issue. I want my dessert to be the best at the party. I want people to rave about it for days afterwards. When I know of other “bakers” coming to the party, I anxiously immerse myself in searching and formulating the BEST atypical recipe. There’s bound to be chocolate chip cookies, I think, so I’m going to wow them with something richer, more chocolate-y, gooier, more delicious… And, I can think of numerous other works where one-upmanship can come into play: hosting, event planning, home cleanliness, personal thriftiness, your wardrobe, your child-rearing, craftiness, car buying (or any purchasing), your personal creativity, hygiene, career success… the list goes on and on. So, where do you tend to be a one-upper?

(Now, I’m not saying that we can’t accidentally one-up someone. It’s definitely possible to unintentionally be one step ahead of someone else. You can be better without actually meaning to. Likewise, it’s absolutely okay to put your best into your work. But, do so with the desire to let your best works glorify the Lord, not yourself.)

A warning against so-called one-upmanship: “Jealousy and selfishness are not God’s kind of wisdom. Such things are earthly, unspiritual, and demonic. For wherever there is jealousy and selfish ambition, there you will find disorder and evil of every kind” (James 3:15-16, NLT). When we allow ourselves to be “one-uppers,” to feed our pride, jealousy, and selfishness, we are formulating for ourselves a kind of “wisdom” that is not based on the goodness, propriety, ability, and knowledge of God. Essentially, we grow to believe in our own sense, which is nothing more than impudence, instead of trusting and understanding true wisdom that comes only from God.

Unfortunately, one-upmanship also has a devastating domino effect. It moves from the initial one-upper to the “one-upped” like an infection. For example, once when I created an invitation for a party I was hosting, a “one-upper” friend, who was also helping host the party but wasn’t in charge of the invitations, took the invitation I made and completely redesigned it. Besides the familiar wording, the entire design of the invite was different. It looked nice, but I also thought that my original design looked equally nice. I was immediately hurt because that was the one element of the party I had been given to help with. It was my responsibility, and I put a lot of thought and effort into creating invitations that the party’s guest of honor would love. Instead of just letting it go, the polluting effect of one-upmanship had already contaminated me. She was my rival, and I was bent on besting her at whatever she did for the party. And, unfortunately (but expectedly), our friendship was on the rocks for a while after that rivalry party.

One-upmanship can be a very strong and deadly poison. It tears apart friendships and sisterhood. It belittles the giftedness of other women. It upholds the worldly value of self above all. It breeds resentment, frustration, malice, and other evils. It causes division, creating rivalry where Christ only desires unity in his Church. It helps us to seek our own glory, without care for God’s. As James 3:16 says, “wherever there is jealousy and selfish ambition, there you will find disorder and evil of every kind.”

We need to stop competing for attention. We need to stop turning everyone around us into rivals, into enemies. That’s what we’re doing when we give in to one-upmanship—we’re assembling a battleground, where our enemies are our friends and sisters in Christ.

One thing that I’ve learned while seeking out this topic in the Word and in my times of prayer, is that it’s okay to be outdone. It’s okay to be outshined! If your works are done with humility, putting others and God before yourself, then you work wisely (James 3:13). Not wisely as the world sees, with selfishness and impudence, but with God’s kind of wisdom. “The wisdom from above is first of all pure. It is also peace loving, gentle at all times, and willing to yield to others. It is full of mercy and good deeds. It shows no favoritism and is always sincere. And those who are peacemakers will plant seeds of peace and reap a harvest of righteousness” (James 3:17-18). And, in order to work wisely, in order to put aside pride and take on humility, we need to put on our armor. A consistent and intentional time with God is key to armoring us against our temptation to one-up someone. Feed yourself daily with the Word and pray ceaselessly, that you might be strengthened in your fight against temptations and sin.

Lord, help us to be okay with yielding the spotlight to another—to be okay with being outshined. Help us to be merciful when we are victims of one-upmanship. Protect us from showing favoritism to our own works. Build in us a desire to work sincerely for Your glory, Lord. Refashion our hearts from those of battle makers into those of peacemakers, so that we might be women after Your own heart.

“Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men” (Philippians 2:3-11).

 

Child-Less in Young Marrieds Ministry

Yes, I’m married. And, no, I don’t want kids—yet.

Before your wedding day all everyone is talking about is the “big day.” People are quick to throw out advice on marriage, hoping to stuff it into your mind before the ring is on the finger and it’s too late. For about two weeks to a month it’s all about the wedding pictures and reminiscing on the “big day.” And, then, after that time (a very brief amount of time I might add), a new fixation comes into play: babies. “When do you plan on having kids?” “How many kids do you want?” “Do you have any baby names picked out already?” “You’re going to have such cute kids!” Babies, babies, babies!

After we got married, I chuckled at these questions at first. But, it didn’t take long before I grew slightly annoyed. Isn’t it ok for me to just enjoy my marriage without thinking about babies yet? I knew that people were just curious, just wired to think in this natural progression, just excited about our future family, but it was hard not to think that this is what everyone expected, and right now.

When we first checked out the young married ministry at our church, my mind was already whirling with thoughts of stressed out parents, babies crying, and stinky diapers. I was mentally preparing myself to be asked all of the above baby questions. I was already assuming that we would not, could not, relate to the community we were visiting. After all, word on the street was that almost everyone in the Young Marrieds Ministry had kids or were pregnant—this was fuel to my assumptions. Well, the word on the street was pretty much right, according to what I saw. Much to my loss, I gave up this ministry the moment I walked in the door and saw three kids being walked down to the nursery. Even though we were welcomed genuinely and people were so nice, it wasn’t enough to break me out of my comfort zone (or, should I call it my “fear zone”?).

You might call it ironic that my job now, almost a year and a half later, is with the same young married ministry. Sadly, it took God calling me to a potential job in order for me to try out this ministry another time. God had to do some serious demolition on my heart as we were, once again, welcomed to this community. Of course, my trepidations didn’t entirely subside at first. The presence of babies, children, and even pregnant women still made me feel different, anxious, and excluded. I wondered silently if we would be expected to babysit everyone’s kids, since we are child-less and, therefore, “less busy.” Even more seriously, I wondered if I would ever be able to relate to most of the people in this ministry without having kids. Would people think differently of us because we’re the “getting-through-school-first-before-kids” type? I wondered who else felt this way—and could we form some sort of protective alliance (Not.Ready.For.Babies.)?

With all of my wondering, however, all I was doing was harboring fears and anxieties in my heart instead of giving them to the Lord. As with my first visit to the young married ministry, my fears were constructing a wall that divided me and my marriage from everyone else and their marriages. While the fact that we don’t have kids is an obvious difference between us and some other couples, I was the one who made that difference seem so significant. I forgot to even recognize the similarities I shared with them: young, married, Christians, seeking God, battling against the world and divorce. It is so sad to me that I put the difference of no kids and having kids above the blessed reality that these people are my brothers and sisters in Christ.

The early church, brothers and sisters in Christ, did life with each other. Men and women, mothers and brothers (Acts 1:14), beggars (Acts 3:2), ex-sorcerers (Acts 8:9), eunuchs (Acts 8:36), and even ex-murderers (9:1-19) did life together. If these people could fellowship together, why can’t I fellowship with people who are parents? As the church of Acts did life together—as the fellowshipped, taught, broke bread, shared possessions—they undoubtedly learned from each other and grew in their faith together. What wisdom might be learned from sharing life with a beggar? What conviction and fire might we hear from an ex-murder, now redeemed? Likewise, what wisdom might be learned from sharing life with a mother or father?

Now, this isn’t to say that you need to up and leave your current ministry in order to mingle with some different kinds of people. I think it is completely okay to want a ministry that supports you and meets you where you’re at in life. I’m not sure that I would’ve wanted to be in a Young Marrieds Ministry when I was an early college student not even thinking about marriage! But, there is value in friendship outside your current life stage. Who knows, maybe an older, post-college, married woman in my life would have been just the kind of friend I needed. What I’m saying is, don’t let your fears or your comfort stand in the way of “something different” the Lord might want you to be a part of.

Literally over just the past few months, my passion and heart for families and marriages has increased exponentially. I’ve learned valuable financial wisdom from friends who are a few steps ahead of us in that area. I’ve learned what “putting your spouse first” looks like in even more practical ways than ever before. I’ve learned other ways of serving your community (i.e. watching someone’s kids for a day, bringing new parents a home cooked meal, playing with the kids so their mom can get some housework done). Suddenly my hesitancy to be around children has been replaced with intrigue, love, and joy (although, I will admit that dirty diapers still gross me out! Haha). I know that I’ve gleaned so much already about parenting, running a household, and being a family that glorifies God. And, in case you’re wondering, yes, we do talk about babies a lot more now, but more with a loving appreciation for the family we will have someday, God willing.

With all of this being said, my encouragement to you, whether you are like us (Not.Ready.For.Babies.) or have children or have some other “difference” that might be holding you back, is to view community outside of your own fears. Make friends with a couple who has kids, or make friends with a couple who doesn’t have kids; find a mentor, someone who is older than you; join a multi-age Bible study. Guard yourself against drawing up parameters for a community that is just like you. Give yourself room to experience differences, especially in the church body (different ages, different life stages, different backgrounds, different ethnicities… the differences go on and on!), where we share the fact that we are all unified in Christ.

Let me leave you with these passages from the book of Acts, which, I believe, express the idea and hope for community so well. So many things strike me in these verses, but Acts 2:47b stands out to me the most, “And the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved.” Ultimately, how we live life in our communities, in our ministries, in our churches should be in such a way that those looking in see the light and love of Christ. May people see us together, sharing our possessions joyfully, giving sacrificially, enjoying each other (regardless of our differences), and praising God that they might desire the unity that we have, a familial unity and acceptance only found through entering into a relationship with Christ.

42 They devoted themselves to the apostles’ teaching and to fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer. 43 Everyone was filled with awe at the many wonders and signs performed by the apostles. 44 All the believers were together and had everything in common. 45 They sold property and possessions to give to anyone who had need. 46 Every day they continued to meet together in the temple courts. They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts, 47 praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people. And the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved (Acts 2:42-47).

 32 All the believers were one in heart and mind. No one claimed that any of their possessions was their own, but they shared everything they had. 33 With great power the apostles continued to testify to the resurrection of the Lord Jesus. And God’s grace was so powerfully at work in them all 34 that there were no needy persons among them. For from time to time those who owned land or houses sold them, brought the money from the sales 35 and put it at the apostles’ feet, and it was distributed to anyone who had need (Acts 4:32-35).

Praising Hosanna

Reading through 1 Peter tonight, I came across so many verses praising God and rejoicing over what Jesus did on the cross. How timely, I thought, as we head into Good Friday and then Easter weekend. Reading through these verses also reminded me that I should be constantly in remembrance of these things: Jesus' death on the cross, his resurrection, and our redemption through him. I can just imagine Peter as he wrote this letter: eyes full of wonder at Christ's mercy, a smile one could only describe as joy, and pausing now and again to lift his hands in praise to his glorious Father and reflect on His awesome promises. At least, that's how I felt reading this passage tonight:

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us a new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade--kept in heaven for you, who through faith are shielded by God's power until the coming of salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time" (1 Peter 1:3-5).

And then, Peter humbles us with this strikingly beautiful reflection of Christ's attitude at his death and his death's meaning for our lives as believers:

"When they hurled their insults at him, he did not retaliate; when he suffered, he made no threats. Instead, he entrusted himself to him who judges justly. He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, so that we might die to sins and live for righteousness; by his wounds you have been healed. For you were like sheep going astray, but now you have returned to the Shepherd and Overseer of your souls" (1 Peter 2:23-25).

Christ's character, even at his death, was blameless. Here we see him, "a lamb without blemish or defect" (1 Peter 1:19) -- humble amidst public humiliation, pain, and a cross of shame. What an amazing, loving, and awesome Savior we have. How glorious is our God.

Unfailing Love

It's Valentine's Day. For some people this holiday carries a mix of emotions with it. Some of us resent it because it reminds us of our singleness, our loneliness, or our lack of worth. Valentine's Day couldn't be over quick enough. Others of us enjoy the excuse to spoil our loved ones in special ways. But, when Valentine's Day is over, things are suddenly normal and unexciting. Usually--and I'm not saying always--but usually, this day is a letdown for most of us. Whether it's our expectations or lack thereof, this declared "holiday of love" is not all it's cracked up to be.

For a long time, the holiday created in me feelings of despite and hope. I wanted to stand strong as a member of this "singles awareness" day, despising this culture-fabricated day, while always hoping for a secret admirer to arise just in time for that day. Like I said before, Valentine's Day carries with it a crazy mix of emotions for most of us.

Being married now I love that Valentine's Day is another day to show my husband how much I love him in special ways. But, during the week leading up to the day, I am definitely feeling the pressure of performance. Walking past Valentine's Day magazine editions in every grocery store, eyeing thoughtful and time-consuming handmade gifts on Pinterest, and seeing men and women rushing through specialty shops for that perfect gift (no expense is too much, right?) is enough to make me feel like a Valentine's stress case. I don't want to fail to express my love for my husband in the best way I can. And as someone who has been a perfectionist most of her life, I can step dangerously close to allowing myself to be worldly consumed.

Luckily though, my devotional time this week has been very grounding...

As I've thought over my fear of failing to love my husband in the best ways possible, I realized that it is inevitable that I will fail, to some extent. He may not even recognize the failure upright, but as long as I am living in this sinful world, my ability to love is going to fail at times. Although we are called as Christians to "love your neighbor as yourself," our sinful nature will get in the way. Whether it is selfishness, pride, ambition, busyness, greed, bitterness, or something else (or a mixture of things), our selfs get in the way of loving other people at some time or another.

Now, this isn't an excuse for not putting into practice loving your neighbor, but rather an encouragement to not let the world determine for you how love needs to be expressed in order for it not to fail. Consumer society will make you feel like if you didn't spend this amount of money or get this, that, or the other item for your loved one that you are a failure. When the fact is, we will fail regardless, in some way, at some time or another.

But, however many times I might fail at loving my husband, my friends, my family, and my neighbors, there is someone whose love never fails, will never fail. Jesus Christ is the definition, expression, image, and perfect exemplar of love. And if you doubt this, I urge you to read through the gospels to see for yourself. His life, death, and resurrection were love in which we'll never be able to replicate. But, if I ever hope to be able to love at all effectively, His life is the only way I'll learn how to. As Jesus says in response to the teachers of the law in Mark 12, the most important commandment is to "love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength" (Mark 12:30). When you endeavor to do this, when your focus and love for the Gospel is first in your life, your tendency towards sin becomes less and your love for others will come more freely.

So, whether you are spending Valentine's Day with friends, or at work, or at home, or with a loved one, I hope that you'll endeavor to remember Christ's love for you. Don't let the world's definition of love consume you in feelings of anxiety, despair, and lack of satisfaction. God's love is more than satisfying, a fount that ever sustains.

And as a last reminder, God's love endures FOREVER. Here on this earth, our love at times stumbles. Sometimes it pulls itself up right away; sometimes it crouches low, afraid it might stumble again; and sometimes it just falls belly-flat against the ground and lingers there a while. But, as Psalm 136 says 26 times, "His love endures forever." Our love will fail, but in the midst of all things, God's endures.

Finding Imperishable Beauty

In recent years, I’ve discovered a new appreciation for modesty. I never really considered it as important as it really is, especially in the Christian woman’s life. Unfortunately, the beauty of modesty has been lost in our world, even in our churches. In a lot of circles, the word modesty implies a plethora of things, many of which aren’t always positive. Our culture specifically has made modesty out to seem like an illogical refusal of the freedoms the world offers. Our media displays modesty as the turtleneck-wearing, ponytail-styled, unconfident and shy virgin who is completely shut off from society. While, yes, a turtleneck is a modest clothing option, we don’t need to close ourselves off to other images of modesty. Modesty also implies discretion, restraint, humility, and simplicity—things I believe to be very beautiful and important. Through scripture reading, growing maturity, and friendships with women who are gorgeous examples of modest womanhood, I have a desire to share with other women the importance of modesty. I don’t want this to be a list of things not to do—although I will suggest that you should remove the Facebook profile picture of you in your bikini—but rather what to do in order to pursue modesty and purity in your life.

About a year ago, I had my small group of young women visit a website listing all of the things women wear that might tempt a man towards sinful thoughts (if anyone remembers or knows of the site, I'd love to know, I can't seem to locate it now). Although some of those items seemed ridiculous (i.e. a woman applying chapstick/lipstick in public), there is value in that list, which is what I wanted them to see. For instance, that men are really bothered by the length of your skirt, something we women tend to view indifferently. Of course, it isn’t solely our responsibility as women to protect men from lustful thoughts. It is their personal responsibility to armor themselves with the word of God in order to protect themselves from those thoughts. However, it is still a responsibility that we women have, and it’s one that I want to take seriously and hold with high importance.

1 Timothy reminds us of the importance of feminine modesty: “Women should adorn themselves in respectable apparel, with modesty and self-control, not with braided hair and gold or pearls or costly attire, but with what is proper for women who profess godliness – with good works” (1 Timothy 2:8-10). The first thing that this verse points out is that we should be clothing ourselves in respectable apparel. Some other synonyms for this word might be “suitable,” “proper,” “decent,” and “upright.” In other words, what we wear should be an expression of these things, ultimately displaying modesty and self-control. Although today braids or gold earrings might not be too flashy of a fashion statement, I think that the point is that what we wear is going to make some sort of a statement. So, what statement are you making with your clothing? Are you declaring, “Hey, look at my chest!” or “Hey, look at my wealth!” or “Hey, look at my godliness!”?

 What we wear should reflect our desire for purity in both our lives and those we interact with. When we dress in excess display of wealth, we reflect the desire for attention. And, when we dress revealingly, we are essentially calling impure thoughts to ourselves. I know that many of us think about the “laws of attraction” in attracting a potential boyfriend or husband. But, impressing them with exposed skin is not what God desires. The way we should dress is with God as the one we desire to impress. His expectations are far classier. And, God’s beauty rules are the best form of attraction we can ever have. With Him as our impression point, modesty is an obvious reaction. The following verse shows us what impression points are most precious to God:

“Do not let your adorning be external – the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear – but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious” (1 Peter 3:3-5). God finds a woman’s gentle and quiet spirit far more beautiful than even the most exquisite clothes. A woman’s heart is more beautiful than her figure on display. That beauty, unlike soft unwrinkled skin and fashion forward clothing, is imperishable.

Many of us have the tendency to think only of ourselves in regards to this topic, but the Bible is clear that we are also supposed to look to the interests of others (Philippians 2:4). We have a responsibility as Christians and as women to help our brothers in Christ, and—might I suggest—to also encourage and help our sisters in Christ! And the above verses, I believe, give us clear direction on what our modesty should look like. One of my small group girls pointed out, in our discussion of this topic, “it seems like anything we do or wear can potentially tempt a guy.” Well, I guess that’s true, which is why I say it isn't solely our responsibility because there is only so much that we can do to help out our brothers. It is my belief, however, that if we wake up every morning with our hearts set on the desire to glorify and honor God, we will naturally lean towards modesty. Therefore, it is my encouragement that we as women in Christ monitor our intentions on what we wear. The “what not to wear” list is huge and can be helpful, but the biggest helper will be the Holy Spirit. Allow yourself time in the morning to focus on the glory of God, feed the Holy Spirit within you, and modesty will truly reflect itself in your life.

A Filthy Little Hello

One thing I’ve noticed about our culture is that it has become okay for us to use foul words to address each other. Well, actually, I’m sure I’ve noticed it for a while, but it’s started to affect me more recently because I’m seeing the trend played out in Christian culture as well. I particularly feel drawn to focus on women because this is where I see it most often, though I’m sure men participate in this as well. There seems to be a tendency to call each other names and somehow give vulgar words a positive definition. You probably hear it all the time, if you think about it. A popular address nowadays may be “Hey, Bitch,” or “Hey, Hoe,” as if their relationship with that person suddenly makes something about the word “bitch” or “whore” cute and amiable. I don’t really know how this trend was brought on. Most likely through pop culture hip-hop/rap artists or reality TV idols. But I wonder who actually thinks about what they’re saying. As far as I am concerned (and the dictionary, for that matter), those words have very negative denotations and connotations (unless, of course, you’re a dog breeder and are literally talking about a female dog). Since when did we create these exceptions? For instance, it’s okay to greet someone this way and it can be endearing, but if you were to call that same person the same thing when they’re not around, then it is mean and slanderous.

Whether or not the person doesn’t care that you’ve just called them a whore, what suggestion are you implying through using that word? In my opinion this does nothing to build up anyone, rather it tears at their personal beauty, character and respect. Likewise, it does nothing to build up your character either, if you are the one using it. Now I know that our conversational word usage is not of Victorian era propriety, but there is still something to say for being a lady and for presenting yourself with modesty and the desire to build up others. Just like the importance of dressing modestly, it is important to clothe yourself with modest language. Ephesians 4:29 tells us, “do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs that it may benefit those who listen.” If you greeted your friend this way in public, what might those people walking by assume about your character? They might not give two cents how you’ve just addressed your friend, but as God’s children who are called to be lights in the world, what if this is the one and only chance you get to show that particular passerby a little of God’s light? The same goes for Twitter and Facebook. What are you showing your non-Christian friends about the Christian life when you post things that make it look like you are more part of this world than not? 

My sisters, let’s illuminate our desire for purity in all areas, including our speech!

In Colossians chapter 3, Paul addresses rules for holy living, which have been extremely convicting to me. He commands that we must “rid [ourselves] of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips” (Col. 3:8). This list deals primarily with speech that expresses hatred to other people. While a person’s intention may not be to express hate to that person by addressing them in one of the ways I’ve shown, I believe the connotative and denotative meanings of these words are undoubtedly foul and hateful. This should also be a reminder to us also that the same thing goes along with using bad language and cursing in general. While I am not an authority to tell you that this is what you must do to be an exemplary Christian, I do think that we should all strive towards purity in our lives. And our speech is no exception. If you continue reading this passage, there is also an important reminder that is pointed out to us. That we are to “clothe [ourselves] with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.” We are to “bear with each other” and forgive each other as the Lord has forgiven us (Col. 3:12-14). So, if you are witness to one of your sisters using such coarse language, remember to practice these things. Things like gentleness and, of course, forgiveness.

I know that one argument against what I’m saying might be: “well, I’m just joking. They know that. My friends don’t take it seriously.” I’ve actually heard it before, in my own house. Whether or not you’re intending to joke, however, this does not eliminate the meaning behind the word you’ve chosen to use. You can’t take back the impression you might’ve just made on someone around you. The Bible tells us that there is to “be no filthiness nor foolish talk nor crude joking, which are out of place, but instead let there be thanksgiving” (Ephesians 5:4, emphasis added). Thanksgiving means to express thanks to God. My question is: shouldn’t our friends, even our acquaintances, feel that we genuinely thank God for who they are? For who He has created them to be? Using bawdy, vulgar, coarse language seems to me to demean that. Instead of greeting our sisters by spitting out filth at them, let us come to each other expressing joy, love and thanksgiving for who they are and the special influence they have in our lives. For, as sisters in Christ, there is a special dearness that we hold to each other that can’t be seen anywhere else. So, treat each other dearly, remembering this bond.

Instead of filling ourselves with crude language that will undoubtedly, eventually trickle into our own speech, let us remember God’s Word and His desire for us to love each other. Our desire should be to build each other up, in love, with Jesus as our prime example. “Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom, and as you sing psalms, hymns and spiritual songs with gratitude in your hearts to God” (Col. 3:16). 

Thoughts On Writing (from and inspired by CS Lewis)

CS Lewis was, of course, an amazing writer, who wrote with both truth and imagination. What an inspiration! And as I try to make sense of the plan that God has for me, I'm reminded that I have a gift and a passion for writing. Sadly, this summer (aka my supposed "summer to write") didn't turn into much of a writing summer after all. Instead, I've seen much of this summer wasted on re-watching movies that aren't that great and checking Facebook when I'm not working. As I read through this list of rules for good writing by CS Lewis, I paid special attention to the first one in particular. Here are his "rules" sent to a girl who was looking to him for tips on writing (my own commentary is added in for kicks after the "<--"):

1. Turn off the radio (and the television). <-- why can't I seem to do this this summer!?
2. Read good books and avoid most magazines. <-- I feel like I do this.
3. Write with the ear, not the eye. Make every sentence sound good. <-- I couldn't agree more.
4. Write only about things that interest you. If you have no interests, you won't ever be a writer. <--well, I think I have interests... is too many a problem?
5. Be clear. Remember that readers can't know your mind. Don't forget to tell them exactly what they need to know to understand you. <-- makes sense.
6. Save odds and ends of writing attempts, because you may be able to use them later. <-- this is definitely true, yet I somehow convince myself that my "odds and ends" aren't good material and sometimes (usually) just delete them from my computer.
7. You need a well-trained sense of word-rhythm, and the noise of a typewriter will interfere.
8. Know the meaning of every word you use <-- something I am learning since I started writing in 3rd grade.

And a very helpful and encouraging quote that has been officially dubbed my quote (maybe of my writing life):

"Even in literature and art, no man who bothers about originality will ever be original: whereas if you simply try to tell the truth (without caring twopence how often it has been told before) you will, nine times out of ten, become original without ever having noticed it" ~CS Lewis

Oh, I do hope that I will write. More. Often. Always.