Before your wedding day all everyone is talking about is the “big day.” People are quick to throw out advice on marriage, hoping to stuff it into your mind before the ring is on the finger and it’s too late. For about two weeks to a month it’s all about the wedding pictures and reminiscing on the “big day.” And, then, after that time (a very brief amount of time I might add), a new fixation comes into play: babies. “When do you plan on having kids?” “How many kids do you want?” “Do you have any baby names picked out already?” “You’re going to have such cute kids!” Babies, babies, babies!
After we got married, I chuckled at these questions at first. But, it didn’t take long before I grew slightly annoyed. Isn’t it ok for me to just enjoy my marriage without thinking about babies yet? I knew that people were just curious, just wired to think in this natural progression, just excited about our future family, but it was hard not to think that this is what everyone expected, and right now.
When we first checked out the young married ministry at our church, my mind was already whirling with thoughts of stressed out parents, babies crying, and stinky diapers. I was mentally preparing myself to be asked all of the above baby questions. I was already assuming that we would not, could not, relate to the community we were visiting. After all, word on the street was that almost everyone in the Young Marrieds Ministry had kids or were pregnant—this was fuel to my assumptions. Well, the word on the street was pretty much right, according to what I saw. Much to my loss, I gave up this ministry the moment I walked in the door and saw three kids being walked down to the nursery. Even though we were welcomed genuinely and people were so nice, it wasn’t enough to break me out of my comfort zone (or, should I call it my “fear zone”?).
You might call it ironic that my job now, almost a year and a half later, is with the same young married ministry. Sadly, it took God calling me to a potential job in order for me to try out this ministry another time. God had to do some serious demolition on my heart as we were, once again, welcomed to this community. Of course, my trepidations didn’t entirely subside at first. The presence of babies, children, and even pregnant women still made me feel different, anxious, and excluded. I wondered silently if we would be expected to babysit everyone’s kids, since we are child-less and, therefore, “less busy.” Even more seriously, I wondered if I would ever be able to relate to most of the people in this ministry without having kids. Would people think differently of us because we’re the “getting-through-school-first-before-kids” type? I wondered who else felt this way—and could we form some sort of protective alliance (Not.Ready.For.Babies.)?
With all of my wondering, however, all I was doing was harboring fears and anxieties in my heart instead of giving them to the Lord. As with my first visit to the young married ministry, my fears were constructing a wall that divided me and my marriage from everyone else and their marriages. While the fact that we don’t have kids is an obvious difference between us and some other couples, I was the one who made that difference seem so significant. I forgot to even recognize the similarities I shared with them: young, married, Christians, seeking God, battling against the world and divorce. It is so sad to me that I put the difference of no kids and having kids above the blessed reality that these people are my brothers and sisters in Christ.
The early church, brothers and sisters in Christ, did life with each other. Men and women, mothers and brothers (Acts 1:14), beggars (Acts 3:2), ex-sorcerers (Acts 8:9), eunuchs (Acts 8:36), and even ex-murderers (9:1-19) did life together. If these people could fellowship together, why can’t I fellowship with people who are parents? As the church of Acts did life together—as the fellowshipped, taught, broke bread, shared possessions—they undoubtedly learned from each other and grew in their faith together. What wisdom might be learned from sharing life with a beggar? What conviction and fire might we hear from an ex-murder, now redeemed? Likewise, what wisdom might be learned from sharing life with a mother or father?
Now, this isn’t to say that you need to up and leave your
current ministry in order to mingle with some different kinds of people. I
think it is completely okay to want a ministry that supports you and meets you
where you’re at in life. I’m not sure that I would’ve wanted to be in a Young
Marrieds Ministry when I was an early college student not even thinking about
marriage! But, there is value in friendship outside your current life stage. Who
knows, maybe an older, post-college, married woman in my life would have been
just the kind of friend I needed. What I’m saying is, don’t let your fears or
your comfort stand in the way of “something different” the Lord might want you
to be a part of.
Literally over just the past few months, my passion and
heart for families and marriages has increased exponentially. I’ve learned
valuable financial wisdom from friends who are a few steps ahead of us in that
area. I’ve learned what “putting your spouse first” looks like in even more
practical ways than ever before. I’ve learned other ways of serving your
community (i.e. watching someone’s kids for a day, bringing new parents a home
cooked meal, playing with the kids so their mom can get some housework done).
Suddenly my hesitancy to be around children has been replaced with intrigue,
love, and joy (although, I will admit that dirty diapers still gross me out! Haha).
I know that I’ve gleaned so much already about parenting, running a household,
and being a family that glorifies God. And, in case you’re wondering, yes, we
do talk about babies a lot more now, but more with a loving appreciation for the
family we will have someday, God willing.
With all of this being said, my encouragement to you, whether
you are like us (Not.Ready.For.Babies.) or have children or have some other “difference”
that might be holding you back, is to view community outside of your own fears.
Make friends with a couple who has kids, or make friends with a couple who
doesn’t have kids; find a mentor, someone who is older than you; join a
multi-age Bible study. Guard yourself against drawing up parameters for a
community that is just like you. Give yourself room to experience differences,
especially in the church body (different ages, different life stages, different
backgrounds, different ethnicities… the differences go on and on!), where we share
the fact that we are all unified in Christ.
Let me leave you with these passages from the book of Acts,
which, I believe, express the idea and hope for community so well. So many
things strike me in these verses, but Acts 2:47b stands out to me the most, “And
the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved.” Ultimately,
how we live life in our communities, in our ministries, in our churches should be
in such a way that those looking in see the light and love of Christ. May people
see us together, sharing our possessions joyfully, giving sacrificially, enjoying
each other (regardless of our differences), and praising God that they might
desire the unity that we have, a familial unity and acceptance only found
through entering into a relationship with Christ.42 They devoted themselves to the apostles’ teaching and to fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer. 43 Everyone was filled with awe at the many wonders and signs performed by the apostles. 44 All the believers were together and had everything in common. 45 They sold property and possessions to give to anyone who had need. 46 Every day they continued to meet together in the temple courts. They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts, 47 praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people. And the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved (Acts 2:42-47).
32 All the believers were one in heart and mind. No one claimed that any of their possessions was their own, but they shared everything they had. 33 With great power the apostles continued to testify to the resurrection of the Lord Jesus. And God’s grace was so powerfully at work in them all 34 that there were no needy persons among them. For from time to time those who owned land or houses sold them, brought the money from the sales 35 and put it at the apostles’ feet, and it was distributed to anyone who had need (Acts 4:32-35).
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