Please (Don't) Wipe Feet Here

There is a phrase that people use when they refer to someone who is easy to exploit or mistreat, and that is a doormat. Excuse me while I dust off the dirt people left behind when they stepped all over me; I've become a doormat. It's not an easy thing to admit because, well, it doesn't really have many positive connotations, does it? Some common adjectives to describe a person in this category: weak, submissive, easy... I don't want to consider myself any of those things. I prefer to think of it in these ways: I'm nice, a good listener, and care about others. However, if you were to add "too" in front of those (as in "too much of a good listener"), it would probably be more accurate. It's difficult to see the weaknesses in what you want to think are strengths. 

I used to think that avoiding conflict was the best policy, that you should avoid it at all costs. It was always better to just give the other person what they need in order to maintain "peace" and "order." However, I realize now that all I did by avoiding and not confronting the issue was fabricate a new label for myself: the doormat. I wove my self with tough threads and stamped a big "Welcome Home" on my forehead and then invited everyone over to dirty my surface and stamp at my soul. The threads weren't tough enough. I was pained by every stomp and every dirty footprint, but I prolonged the role because somehow everyone else seemed so happy. 

It's difficult to come to terms with the fact that you can be too nice or too much of a giver. Those things seem like such important qualities in a person. Doesn't everyone want a friend or lover like that? I've realized lately that they can be negatives because I've given too much of myself away. And for what? Some dirt, mud, or (in the most unfortunate cases) crap is left behind to remember because know one offered to clean it off. I'm just a doormat, after all. 

Sadly, it was a "Love Inventory" we did in my sociology class that brought most of the light to this realization. I ranked unnaturally high in the "self-sacrificing" category. I wanted to hide, to shun, my paper once my teacher remarked, "You don't want to be too high up in the sacrificing category, or else you are a doormat." Yeah, she spelled it out plain and simple. Doormat. I wanted to scream with frustration. Was the emptiness I felt a response to being that kind of person? Um, yeah, I'd say so. 

And I don't want to fell empty anymore! I'm not going to disregard my good qualities like being a nice friend or a good listener. When it comes down to it, I just have to find a way to say "enough is enough," or more simply use the word "no" more often. Why should I give up something when the other person is not willing to do the same for me? There's a balance that needs to be met between selfishness and selflessness, and I want to get there. I fear the prospect of becoming someone's puppet, so I'm not going to let it happen. I need to face things head on and address my own thoughts and feelings on issues. I'm not going to just waste my life being stepped all over. So, do me a favor and please don't try to wipe your feet here, there won't be a mat to catch the dirt anymore.